My aunt really influenced my sex life.
‘#WomenTalkSexByPulse’ is Pulse’s weekly series designed to capture the thoughts of everyday Nigerian women on sexual health, pleasure, and what women expect good sex to be and feel like.
What is the importance of women having other women to help them grow and understand the sexual journey ahead of them without judgement or holding back? If this #WomenTalkSex edition is anything to go by, then it is safe to say that this is a thing of unquantifiable importance. Our subject suggests that more women need to start being there for other younger women in their space looking to grow into womanhood with lesser mistakes and fewer emotional scars. Read on.
Can we talk about your first time?
I think all I can say is that I went in with both eyes open and I fully knew what to expect so… yeah. I think it was pretty OK.
Safe to say there were no disappointments?
On my part, no. I now can’t speak on how he felt on his own end but let me just hype myself and say he was not disappointed.
Fair enough. But I’m kind of curious; considering that you said you had gone in with your eyes open, what were your expectations that first time?
Well, I wasn’t expecting sparks to fly but I wasn’t expecting it to be dead, either. I had been told by a reliable source – my aunt, actually – that it can be good even on the first time with the right person. The right person being someone who is calm and knows what they are doing with foreplay, lube and all that stuff.
Interesting. Two things: I’d like to cover more of that aunt angle but before that, walk me through all that lube talk
Well, considering the fact that one might get tense in the expectation of the pain that comes with the hymen getting broken, and being tense only makes things worse, it just made sense to consider all the ways to make it easy for myself. So, yeah, I made sure there was lube. I actually bought the lube myself. Please, I live for pleasure not pain
Interesting. Lmao. Guess all this provides the right opportunity to ask about your aunt. She taught you all these?
Yeah. She’s been my nigga for like, ever. And I’m actually so grateful for her. She demystified sex for me a great deal, We talk about it as realistically as possible and she has always treated me like an adult on things like this for as long as I can remember, Maybe as early as 14 sef.
Uhm… I think it began one time in my secondary school when she saw this boy on my phone and she asked if that was my boyfriend and I just laughed. Eventually, she was able to get me to talk about having a crush on boys, the feelings I was having, period cramps… all of that stuff generally. And over the years, she just became the person I would go to or call whenever I saw something strange about my body or whenever I needed someone older to talk to about stuff I didn’t understand. And this went even beyond sex and relationships and boys. I ran most of my major educational choices by her before making them as well. But for the purpose of this conversation, let me just mention that she really did a great job demystifying sex, sexual health, choices and sexual relationships for me beyond all the stuff I’d hear then in school or even in church. I tell all my friends, my aunt is such a big vibe. She also has the wildest stories ever. Literally my role model, that woman. LOL.
Look at that. So great to hear. How about your mum and dad in all this?
My dad kinda knows about the kind of stuff we gist about but not in details. Infact, everyone knows at this point. So I think my dad just hasn’t bothered much with all that anymore because he knows I’m in good hands. I mean, it may be a little hard to have those conversations with me now that I’m 22 but as at when I was still so young and impressionable, my aunt took up the job when she was living with us and I suspect my dad just let her do it. It’s my mum that’s the prude one anyway. So she’s the one that would surely never be able to have that sex conversation with me if my aunt hasn’t been in the picture to answer all those questions teenage me had in her head.
What would you say is the best part of having this kind of open communication about sex with a ‘parental’ figure?
Well, for one, I think there’s something about parenting that takes away people’s ability to speak only about sex even when it is to the benefit of the younger ones. Someone like my aunt is an anomaly among millennials that already have kids. Although I must say that Millenials are doing better than the generation before them – my parents’ generation. I think we GenZ’s will be the ones to finally break the curse sha, I’m sure. But to answer your question, I think the best part has to be the trust of it all. This person is your family member and you can totally bank on them having your best interest at heart at all times. With an outsider, you may be second-guessing their intentions or if they are telling you the truth or not. Do you get my point?
Absolutely makes sense. What do you think may have happened differently if you hadn’t had your aunt helping you through your formative years in womanhood?
Oh, loads of misinformation would have been imbibed for sure. I think of all the straightening up I got on consent, the concept of shame and sexual guilt… these are some things that people my age are struggling to unlearn now. I got them instilled in me early enough. You know, the power of choices, the true meaning of sexual liberation and the pursuit of pleasure in a responsible, safe and healthy way. I can’t imagine not knowing what I know about those things. Or just having to unlearn bad lessons on them now. Wheew.
Lucky you. Can we talk about your current sex life?
Mid o. Very mid. Unemployment is dealing with me so I’m using all my energy to find work in this Lagos. My sex life is in the gutters right now. But once I get a good job and stop thinking of schemes to get from my folks and where my next alert will come from, we should be back up. But for now, it’s not looking so good.
LMAO. Valid. Rate your sex life over 10
All of it in general or currently?
In general. Your sex life from day 1
Omo. 6. I’ve not had much or done as much as I have in my head. So 6.
What would you say is holding you back?
Apart from being broke currently, I think the fear of STIs and the single pringle life have been my biggest enemies.
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